OK- so I'm checking in. I'm coming "home" and I'm going to try to start over. I want to stop lying, stop making excuses and start living. BUT....
I lost my shit last night. Full on hysterical, nervous breakdown, choking on snot, screaming, crying. This journey is so hard. I am addicted to food. I am addicted to the momentary happiness I feel when I eat a big mac. I feel sad or even a little bored and I think cheese fries will solve the problem. It's embarrassing and maddening and I hate myself. And that is the real problem. I hate myself. And I am not doing this for me. I am doing it to make people who do not matter, jealous. I am doing it because I have convinced myself I need to look a certain way on stage. I remind myself that my husband is a HEALTH and PHYS ED Teacher (oh the irony) and that it must look pretty ridiculous, or so I think, for him to have an overweight, out of shape wife. I have seen the numbers on my health evaluation. I am "high risk". I am 25 years old and "high risk"....I could develop hypertension, diabetes, I have a history of heart disease with my Father but never mind that...I don't want to look like a whale on my honeymoon. And I'll take pills and make myself sick to get there quickly rather than commit to finding out why I am this way and literally save my own life. Why won't I save myself? Why don't I want to take care of myself and do this for me? Why does getting dressed, taking pictures, walking into a room, living, have nothing to do with being me and revolve solely around how I look? I feel no security or trust. I assume the smallest mistake will finally open my Husband's eyes up to the Cow he married, or that if I pour a beer wrong at my new bartending job, people will likely blame it on my fat arms and not the fact that I've never bartended before. And there is a small, rational part of my mind that recognizes this as crazy and wrong but the rest of my mindset is there to swallow the rational thoughts up. Some things are coming to the surface and they are scary and sad. I hate my Mother. I love her more than life but I also hate her....I am so angry with her. I am angry with her for the monster she created by making me her partner in crime from such a young age, though I know she did the best she could. I am hurt that I was taught to eat when I was sad, to reward my triumphs with food. I am in such pain knowing that from a young age people knew my weakness and saw so clearly how they could bribe me. I am embarrassed for the little girl who was left with food to babysit her and keep her company. I am sick that this is all I know. I don't know what else I am supposed to fill my life up with if it's not going to be food and I don't feel strong enough to find out.
I want to hide. I want to sign training contracts and magically wake up 50lbs thinner the next day. But I don't want to hurt and run and sweat and I know that I have to and I am terrified it will never be enough and beyond that I don't know why I think I have to be thin in order to like myself and that is scary. People don't understand; I get it! I need to burn more calories than I take in. I need to do cardio AND strength training. I need to eat salad. I got it. It's not a question of not having picked up the right diet book. I own them all. I guess I'm just expecting or hoping that I will buy the one that does the work for me.
I feel like a loser and very, very lost and scared. I need life to slow down so I can prepare meals, and sleep and make "me time" and plan but there's never any time. I am trying. Should I try harder? Should I try something new? I am so tired. But I woke up earlier and went to the gym and got it over with this morning and I did that. It's done. Now I have to do it all over again tomorrow. You know what I want to do? I want to cry. I want to crawl into my bed at home and cry. But I have to work. And then rehearse. Then tomorrow, lather, rinse, repeat. The intensity of the failing over and over again just feels like too much this time and I just don't know if I'm ever going to be comfortable in my skin, or happy or healthy.
help....
J
I know exactly where you're coming from, babe. When your gay, there's that beady-eyed serpent shaped like a penis telling you your only worth is in the physical - the peak of masculinity - that value is measured in your sexual prowess - and it nearly destroyed me. But the moment I realized I couldn't get through it alone - that I was lying to myself - that I was acting out to feel acceptance and doing things not because I wanted to, but because they made me 'desirable' - that was the moment I realized my pain was too great to tackle by myself. And so I found others who felt the same way. I can never imagine how much stress it must be to be a woman, EVER - but I know I have such respect for you for writing this - for trying to find yourself - you deserve to love you. And it's a struggle and a journey - but you're not alone in it. I did some pretty stupid, unSPEAKABLE and unTHINKable shit in my life because I wanted to feel loved before I realized I didn't love myself and that was the problem. You're making the right move and you are stronger in this moment than you've ever been - believe that. Even though you feel broken down and worthless, you're giving up control and that takes a LOT of fucking strength. Take it from me - I was running from myself for 10 years before I had the balls to give myself a break. All the love, sweetie. Remember you're worth every single bit of truth you come to believe and every bit of love that comes your way and you ARE loved. And you are a FUCKING MIRACLE. Everyday. It gets better. Life continues. You are not alone. Love you. - ck
ReplyDeleteThanks love. That means so much to me. It's going to take time. I want this tho. There is a small part of me that wants this recovery and I am going to get it.
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