Hunger? Meet Jaclyn.

"Have a mindful weekend..."  Debbie's sign off in her email this past Friday were four words that would haunt me all weekend long.  Thank God. 

Usually, like most people I view the weekend as a free-for-all cheat-fest.  2 1/2 days of mindless indulgence and an excuse to stuff myself rather then nurture myself.  I lay in bed, I let time slip away. I request pancakes rather then the healthy egg-whites and cheese I really do love but which seem far too conservative for a weekend.  I never work out and sleeping? In a Buddy the Elf-like way I must say,  Sleeping's my favorite!  This weekend? Mrs Dixon was a total bad ass.  Friday night my step-daughter wanted Chinese food....this never happens. I always want it and she vetoes and we move on to another culinary delight.  So we went to a really great Chinese restaurant in Woodbury-proper.  I was hungry. My tummy told me so. So I had waited, listened to my body and we were in agreement it was time to eat.  I ordered soup and a california roll with BROWN rice, thank you! Low-sodium soy sauce and a howdoyalikemenow!?! We had lo-mein for the table which I did indeed enjoy in small portions and when I felt full...I stopped eating. I know, crazy right?!  Imagine my joy to weigh myself the next morning and find out I had enjoyed myself the night before without destroying my 4lb weight loss!! I was, I AM, encouraged.

I'm also encouraged in other aspects of life....having decided to "let go and let God".  Well let go, and let God, and Mark.  What can I say? They're both really great guys!  
A brief explanation.....my step-daughter and I have hit a rough patch over the last couple of months.  Caught up in a haze of wedding and a, "we are family" like high we became quite close around Christmas time and it was great.  We were in contact daily, she confided in me and I was even friend-requested on Face book (which I now believe is a tool of Satan) thus hurling me into her world full force with hourly updates containing far more information then I really needed to know.  I felt overwhelmed, protective, and quite honestly....screwed.  It was the ultimate, "damned if you do, damned if you don't"...tell her Father, my HUSBAND, exactly what she's up to and risk my closeness with her, or protect her from herself?  Hands tied, back to the wall I chose to protect her from herself and became the narky step-mom she loved to hate.  Her weekends at our house suddenly became filled with silence or snark, (from both She and I) my Husband caught between the two people he loved more than anything, and weeknights were filled with my tears, his shouts and mornings hugging, apologizing, promising we'd both try harder to understand the others position.  Thankfully we both kept our word and I realized this is not my "battle" to fight.  I just need to exist and be there if and when she needs me.  She has parents and no matter how I feel about their methods, she is their child not mine and this is their show to run, I'm along for the ride as my Husband's partner and hopefully my step-daughters friend and supporter. I could choose to worry but there's nothing I can do, so I will just be worrying myself sick and what good is that? So she and I had a great talk this weekend; I let her know my new stance and that I'm there if she needs me.  It was very hard to come to a decision that in the end seems so obvious, and quite honestly much easier than what I've been trying to accomplish but it feels good to have arrived at the destination.  Peace.  I know we'll have rocky roads ahead, I know that.  But I'm grateful to have found my place and to be in a good place with the people  I love so very much.


JAC

"If You Bite It, Write It"

I just read that fantabulous quote from another weight-loss blogger and I. DIE. for it.  It's a scary concept but it goes back to my hoping that the writing of the gluttony keeps you (me) honest.  But thinking of that...I guess my theory was, "I'll shame my fat self into thinness".  And after meeting with my new Health Coach, Debbie last night....I'm pretty sure that's not the idea.  In fact, I'm positive.  It's becoming abundantly clear that I really do not love or like myself.  I mean I suppose deep down I do otherwise I'd take whats left of my checking account, buy 20 cheese-steaks and die, fat and alone on my couch.  So I guess I do love me just enough to NOT let that happen.

BUT- I do not like or love myself enough to fully come to terms with the idea that anyone...let alone the most perfect someone loved me so much he wanted to marry me and be wonderful to me every day, forever. I don't love myself enough to demand the best and only what I'm worthy of from jobs, from acquaintances, from life.....so I want to work on that. Because according to a lot of people, I'm pretty great. So I'd like to see what they see and join the fan club.

But, last night was pretty major.  It was the first night, in a long time that I didn't come home and binge. I ate dinner. In my kitchen (we were standing but it's a start). And I went to bed without a plate of snacks.  I got a good nights sleep, I didn't feel sick or particularly dismal when I woke up and thanks to some new focus points I discovered with Debbie's help, I have remained pretty positive today and am looking forward to what lies ahead - not dwelling on the doom.  It is also unbelievable the support and love I am feeling wrapped around me.  Since announcing my intentions for the future I have heard a pride in both my parents voices that I had begun to doubt I was capable of inducing.  Mark reminds me everyday that whether I do or I don't, he loves me more than anything. My friends are ready, willing, and able to help in any way they can.  And after talking to Debbie last night I realized I am going to do it all. And then some. I'm beyond excited.  I am busting at the seams....in a good way this time.  I am on the road to my authentic self and it's going to be a hard, wonderful journey.  I gotta have faith.

XOJAC