"If You Bite It, Write It"

I just read that fantabulous quote from another weight-loss blogger and I. DIE. for it.  It's a scary concept but it goes back to my hoping that the writing of the gluttony keeps you (me) honest.  But thinking of that...I guess my theory was, "I'll shame my fat self into thinness".  And after meeting with my new Health Coach, Debbie last night....I'm pretty sure that's not the idea.  In fact, I'm positive.  It's becoming abundantly clear that I really do not love or like myself.  I mean I suppose deep down I do otherwise I'd take whats left of my checking account, buy 20 cheese-steaks and die, fat and alone on my couch.  So I guess I do love me just enough to NOT let that happen.

BUT- I do not like or love myself enough to fully come to terms with the idea that anyone...let alone the most perfect someone loved me so much he wanted to marry me and be wonderful to me every day, forever. I don't love myself enough to demand the best and only what I'm worthy of from jobs, from acquaintances, from life.....so I want to work on that. Because according to a lot of people, I'm pretty great. So I'd like to see what they see and join the fan club.

But, last night was pretty major.  It was the first night, in a long time that I didn't come home and binge. I ate dinner. In my kitchen (we were standing but it's a start). And I went to bed without a plate of snacks.  I got a good nights sleep, I didn't feel sick or particularly dismal when I woke up and thanks to some new focus points I discovered with Debbie's help, I have remained pretty positive today and am looking forward to what lies ahead - not dwelling on the doom.  It is also unbelievable the support and love I am feeling wrapped around me.  Since announcing my intentions for the future I have heard a pride in both my parents voices that I had begun to doubt I was capable of inducing.  Mark reminds me everyday that whether I do or I don't, he loves me more than anything. My friends are ready, willing, and able to help in any way they can.  And after talking to Debbie last night I realized I am going to do it all. And then some. I'm beyond excited.  I am busting at the seams....in a good way this time.  I am on the road to my authentic self and it's going to be a hard, wonderful journey.  I gotta have faith.

XOJAC