Let me start off with an apology. It could be one of many, or hopefully one of my last. You see, I'd like to apologize in advance for the mess you're about to witness when you encounter me. I'm pretty sure I will offend you. Maybe with what I say, how I look, or just my voice in general ...I don't know. But it will probably happen and so I like to be as generous a hostess as possible and apologize before I swallow you into my world. So... I'm sorry.
Moving on....
Here I am. Back to blogging. I can't really tell you why I'm here except to say that it's 50% about accountability. Now my story, my intentions (whatever they may be- I sure as hell don't know), my failures will all be here in print and I have witnesses. As C.C. Bloom said, "It will keep you honest". Here's hoping!
I've always been "heavy"- a girl who really loved her food from a young age. And those closest to me from a young age, assured me I had my reasons for eating everything I saw. My parents were divorced, we had no money, I had no relationship with my Dad, we lost our home...I could go on and on. Basically, "Jaclyn, if anyone has a reason to eat their feelings, it's you, Sweetie!". And, I always believed it. Because life's just a whole lot easier when there's something or someone to blame, right!? Over the years, of course, I've added to the list, I'm getting my period- I NEED a cheeseburger, my cat died,My Grandfather died, I can't get into that school, I can't do math, my boyfriend is a gay heroin addict (swear to God), I'm single, I'm broke, I was raped, I am moving back to New Jersey. Clearly, I did have my reasons. Some of them were even pretty damn good.
But lots of things have changed, some even for the better. PHEW! Almost a year ago my Dad and I mended our broken relationship, a 20+ year silence ended between my Dad and my older brothers, and in August of 2009 I met the love of my life, who almost a year later asked me to marry him. Two months ago we did just that and it was perfect. But can I tell you what my greatest anxiety of that entire day was??? That I wouldn't look good. That no pictures would come back where my arms looked "normal" or my double chin wasn't properly concealed. I wouldn't look good and everyone would think, "it's a shame she's so heavy". On one hand I suppose that's one of the better concerns to have on your wedding day. I remembered the marriage certificate and I was 150% sure I wanted to marry Mark. But arms, chins, spanx....this is the stuff my nightmares were made of.
And it's always been that way. I would rather not confront someone who has wronged me simply because my greatest fear is they would turn around and hit me with, "Well at least I'm not a fat slob". This is truly how my mind works. But damn if I have ever really committed to changing it for more than a week. And that is where my entire soul has seemed to turn into a question mark. WHY WON'T I CHANGE IT?! Somethings not working for you, you change, right? I suppose, if you're healthy and normal.
I hate the body I'm in. I hate how I feel, how I look. I hate the discomfort I feel walking, laying down, living. Some days I hate being awake. Which is only made worse when I consider how much I love my Husband, how I cannot stand to be away from him but how ashamed I feel of myself, of the shitty version of a Wife and Partner that I am and that I only continue to spiral further out of control. Drowning myself in a carton of Breyers while he takes our Daughter home. Lying that I didn't eat dinner yet when I already devoured a Big Mac in the car. This is my truth. My awful, embarrassing truth. None of my tragic, previously mentioned reasons change the fact that as of this morning I weigh 175lbs. There that is. Perhaps the biggest, most important sentence I could write. That's what I weigh, folks. And for me- it's just not working out. But there it is. Now you know. Now I know you know. I don't know what I'm trying to drown. I don't know who I am afraid of being. But I've got to get out of this and come up for air.
And let me be clear: My weight, my body, my life, these things do not work for me. I believe health, happiness and wholeness come in all shapes and sizes. I'm making a choice to write about my journey. You can read it, but you don't have to. But I do. I have to write it, read it, live it. I am stuck in the scared, terrified and desperately sick of crying. I want more for me. I want to get dressed in the morning without worrying about what I need to hide. I want to feel well. I want to know, not wonder and that applies to so many things.
I want more for my life with my Husband. I want more.
I have sought out a nutrition and health Coach. I am starting this blog. I am trying to be present in my thoughts and feelings and not bury them with food. It's hard and I will be honest when I fail and pray for the strength and support to succeed.
I gotta have faith....
XOJac
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