One More Try

I am so grateful that I can tell Mark exactly how I feel and I'm met with an honest opinion seriously lacking in judgment.  Lucky doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

Hi Guys!

So...sorry for the Debbie Downer introductory Blog.  Contrary to popular belief- I'm not suicidal. I haven't even listened to a Jeff Buckley song! I'm going to be OK, I know that.  And the brutal honesty and self deprecation is merely a means to a smaller pair of thighs! So no worries!  I've downloaded some new British Pop to my ipod, started a food journal (to write down all of the horrible healthy things I am eating) and I took Tricky's  (my dearest best friend whom I've never actually met...I'll explain later) advice and am seriously considering finding a couch where I can sit and spill my guts once a week.  Tomorrow is also payday and I am going to go on Amazon.com and buy "Women, Food, and God" by Geneen Roth.  Or maybe not since I just looked it up on Itunes and I could listen to it and cry in the privacy of my own car...hmmm decisions.

I tried to buy the new US Weekly with Bethenny Frankel on the cover.  Her size -0 Self divulging her own battle with compulsive eating.  I told myself, "I am gonna sit down with my husband, this cheesesteak, and Bethenny and get right!".  But the Woodbury CVS didn't have the new US Weekly.  Pigs. 
They did, however, have a line out the door and one infant on the register as usual.  I hate our CVS. HATE. But that's another blog entirely. 

I have my first meeting with my Health Coach, Debbie in a week and a half. So that means I have about 10 days to see just how much food I can fit in my gullet? Well that's how I see it sometimes but hopefully that's not how it goes. Seriously though, I am very excited and cautiously optimistic.  I fully recognize that there's a part of me that hopes I walk into her office and as I step inside my thin, toned legs will step out of the fat suit I've been living in.  Or, I imagine Debbie is going to hand me my progress journal and she will also hand over, "the secret".  But the rational person that lives deep inside, buried under the carbs...well that person knows I've got some work to do.  I'm wondering if it's the fear of "work" that's kept me overweight for so long.  What many people fail to realize is that when you are literally addicted to food, it takes a lot of work and willpower to say "no" and make a better, healthier choice.  When I dated the gay, heroin addict I would often scold myself for scolding him.  If I think he should be able to put the needle down, shouldn't I be able to step away from the Pizza hut?!? You would think. But I haven't met a pizza I didn't really, really like yet.  

 I'm not sure what I am trying to suppress when I eat.  And it's actually kind of scary what I may discover that it is.  But I want to know what "fabulousness" could be under all of this too.  So scary be damned. Lets go!

I gotta have faith....
XOJAC