giving up

Test. Test.  Is this thing on? Is anyone out there? If you are, do you hate me?  Good, we have something in common.


Lets go over the facts, shall we?

lbs gained back: 7
Months I have gone without the slightest use of my personal training sessions: 2
Nervous Breakdowns: 2
Times I've Suggested the world would be better off without me: too numerous to count

This shit is hard, ya'll.   I know I started this blog supposedly to document this journey, this struggle, in hopes that it would help me to succeed.  But a few days of not writing for fear of sharing what the truth was/is turned into a few weeks and then a month.  The truth is that not long before we left for our honeymoon I stopped working out and started eating whatever the hell I wanted again.  I didn't know why....I STILL don't know why...I mean wouldn't the weeks leading up to one's Honeymoon be when you hunker down on your diet and exercise regime? I suppose for a sane, healthy person.  But I enabled myself by saying that Mark knew what I looked like and was going to love me anyway, AND even pick up the pizza I ordered for me.  I thought, "well we're going to eat nothing but shit when we get there so its ok to start now" and before I knew it I was leaving for my Honeymoon in Jamaica with all of the weight I had worked so hard to lose piled back on plus a few extra pounds for added shame and self loathing.  I was uncomfortable in my own skin the entire time.  Pouring into bikinis that had fit rather nicely just a month before and covering my belly at the pool with a towel.  As predicted, my Husband told me how beautiful I was every chance he could.  I know! That JERK!  But his unyielding love just made me feel worse....because I am CRAY CRAY.
The weeks leading up to the Honeymoon also made it quite clear to me that I am trying to "fix" and sort through problems that just might be out of my league.  I am sad, worried, and plagued with fear and panic most days.  And 85% of the time I couldn't even tell you why and it makes me sick.  Emotionally and physically sick.  So combine that with a very strict diet to prep for an upcoming show and you got yourself a recipe for some Sylvia Plath-like antics.  I mean, who wouldn't want to spend their Summer like that!?!?

Not long after we arrived home from our Honeymoon my Tracy Anderson (demon health nazi muppet) 30 Day Method Book w/ DVD arrived in the mail and as I do with most diet books and dvds, I anticipated opening it and 30lbs magically falling off of my body onto the floor.  That didn't happen.  But I vowed to begin her program the following Monday which I did.  For the most part I have done rather well.  While I generally eat very little, I find that I am not physically hungry that much- I just crave the crap I miss.
I've been eating so clean and strict lately that your average "healthy" foods...oatmeal, eggs, granola, avocado etc.- seem like huge indulgences to me and I am driving myself to drink (literally) over the guilt I feel when they cross my mind let alone enter my mouth.  My boss, whom I adore makes a guacamole so delicious that angels must kiss the avocados and weep as she mixes the ingredients.  I ate 3 bites Tuesday which then prompted me to announce to Mark that I was having "whatever I wanted" for dinner.  When I eat anything other than the TA approved foods I feel extremely full and sick but I ate an entire platter of linguine with clam sauce while emotionally checking out and surrendering my soul to "Flipping Out" for an hour.  I had hoped that this 'cheat meal' would be enough to give me a taste of what I missed and allow me to carry on stronger and more committed the next morning.  It didn't.  What it did do was make it "ok" for me to inhale ramen noodles last night with a heavy heart and a defeated sigh of "oh well".  WTF!?!  WHO DOES THIS!?!?!

Today I woke up crampy and puffy from salt and fat- I could barely turn my wedding ring.  I ate something I knew I shouldn't and set back my weight-loss and I didn't get anything from it.  I felt guilty and bloated, not happy or satiated.  I can't expect that given my history with over eating or eating the wrong foods that I assumed I'd feel much different.  So, why?  I am going to go to the gym tonight and I'm going to force myself to grovel to my trainer and start sessions again.  I hope he's not too mean.

There is genuinely a part of me that wishes I could be fat and happy but I can't.  The question, I guess, is how badly to I want to be fit and healthy?  Debbie always says, "do you want a flat stomach or a cheeseburger?"....I would REALLY love a flat stomach but it is so much easier to eat a cheeseburger.  Carrie says, "extraordinary effort gets extraordinary results".  Why do I always feel too tired for all of it?

JAC