Some of you may have been told the tale.....some of you may not yet have had the privilege...
How a young Jaclyn Dixon- then, Jaclyn Baker- told her Pediatrician, Dr. Litwack as he began to prescribe her medicines to heal her young pain, "but I love to be sick...". "Excuse me?" Dr Litwack looked confused, surely no young child- or any normal person for that matter- loved to be sick. But young Jaclyn carried on...her mother, covering her face in horror, "I love to be sick...my Mom stays home with me and makes me tea and toast, and I have a cat and we watch movies. I love it.". A bewildered and slightly horrified Dr. Litwack turned toward the Mother. "She loves it", the Mother shrugged. And that was that.
Now, things are a little different. I no longer love to be sick. And certainly not on a Friday night. Here I am, coughing, sweating, headachey and all that jazz. And it's Friday night. And there aren't even any good movies on. I'm just sick at home with my poor Hubby who lovingly takes care of me and a cat who doesn't understand that Mommy is sick. Not. Fun. I do not love it.
Fin.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
If I Had a Million Dollars..
Hello Darlings...
Thank you all for your emails, texts, and especially comments in a public forum about my blog :) Your encouragement means the world and I am so glad you're following the goings on of lil' ol me and I hope you will continue to do so. :)
And now....I dare to dream.
Recently Mark and I visited my astrologer and she had good things and better things to say. She also told us she saw "a pregnancy" around Mark and looked me in the eye and said "and if you don't wanna get pregnant, missy, you better watch out!". Needless to say I have recently encouraged Mr Dixon to hold tight to his side of the bed and I'll keep to mine. Just kidding.....sort of.
Chirruns will just not go with my new dining room :)
She also encouraged us saying that we would soon know some financial success so we've decided to play the lottery. With playing the lottery comes the dreaming and reminiscing of what you would do if you won. It makes it that much more painful when you lose but in the moment it is fun and makes you feel drunk with hope that perhaps this is your time.
I thought I'd share some of the things I would do if I had millions of dollars....
Ahh...dreaming is so sweet.
Night ya'll!
xoxo
JKD
Thank you all for your emails, texts, and especially comments in a public forum about my blog :) Your encouragement means the world and I am so glad you're following the goings on of lil' ol me and I hope you will continue to do so. :)
And now....I dare to dream.
Recently Mark and I visited my astrologer and she had good things and better things to say. She also told us she saw "a pregnancy" around Mark and looked me in the eye and said "and if you don't wanna get pregnant, missy, you better watch out!". Needless to say I have recently encouraged Mr Dixon to hold tight to his side of the bed and I'll keep to mine. Just kidding.....sort of.
Chirruns will just not go with my new dining room :)
She also encouraged us saying that we would soon know some financial success so we've decided to play the lottery. With playing the lottery comes the dreaming and reminiscing of what you would do if you won. It makes it that much more painful when you lose but in the moment it is fun and makes you feel drunk with hope that perhaps this is your time.
I thought I'd share some of the things I would do if I had millions of dollars....
- I would pay off my student loans. Not only pay them off but send Sallie Mae a hand written note telling her exactly where she could shove my money.
- I would buy a white Porsche Cayenne with vanity plates reading "MRSDIX"
- I would pay of our mortgage
- I would buy cars for Savannah, My Mom, My family, Mark's Family....and whenever I told someone they were getting a car I would scream at them in my best OPRAH, "YOU GET A CAR!"
- I would renovate the Ritz Theatre and write them a big fat check and on the Memo line I would write " and I get leads in EVERYTHING"....just kidding. Well, not really. :)
- I would buy a WaWa and a Starbucks
- Mark and I would leave and go off to Paris, Rome, Venice, Prague and anywhere else we damn well please and eat cheese til our faces fell off.
- While there I would go to at least 3 of George Michael's concerts and sit front row in some sort of fabulous outfit for each...and if there was some sort of all-access backstage pass package for snobs, I would buy it
- I would renovate my Mom's Kitchen like she always wanted. And put aside money to put her in a home when the time came.
- I would go to Bliss Spa in NYC once a week. HEAVEN.
- I would buy my dream home....a house so big both our families could live with us. Each in their own private, happy space but we would all be together for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and to sing songs and talk before bed.
- I would give my Sister anything and everything she wanted because with or without millions she has always done that for me.
- I would donate to charities for kiddens, homeless, and gays.
- I'd get real headshots taken.
- I'd wipe my butt with a $50...just for kicks
- I would buy Manolos....and I would take out the trash in them
- I would hire Marin Mazzie to sing at my birthday.
- I would stop worrying.
Ahh...dreaming is so sweet.
Night ya'll!
xoxo
JKD
Friday, August 5, 2011
My Blanket and Me
In college I found a pink chenille bedspread on sale at Urban Outfitters. At $40bux it was so serendipitous because I desperately wanted my side of my dorm to be all pink. Mostly because I loved pink but also because my roommate- who slurped her food like an animal- hated it. Buying that bedspread was a win/win situation and I treasured it for years to come. It was warm in the winter, cool in the summer, comforting and fluffy and oh so pretty.
Then I got married.
I got married and my beautiful bedspread was folded and put away-(by me, not by Mark)- only to be brought out in the winter when it was extraordinarily cold in our living room and we were cuddled up watching a movie. You see, a pink bedspread doesn't sing of matrimony, adulthood, and all things grown up. But it does testify to a long-gone glory days...staying out til 6am and waking up naked with a grilled cheese under your pillow (true story). And when you're a big girl you realize you have to choose between the two. So yes, I put away my pink blanket and registered for a sensible but lovely Calvin Klein Duvet- rationalizing that it was still chic because Carrie Bradshaw had the same one on Sex and the City. But now and then I miss my pink bedroom, my stack of Harper's Bazaars, and a box filled with all the magazines Adrien Brody had been on the cover of. A framed photo of the cast of Valley of the Dolls, more journals than Oprah ever had, condoms and candles and crap. I miss the frivolity and not needing to let anyone know when you'll be home because maybe you won't be. I miss being young and dumb and too pretty to know the difference between Private and Federal Loans. I miss me.
Now everyone cool your pits....The Dixons aren't having a spat, there's no trouble in paradise. All is well. But marriage is...well it's a big change. My Dad once told me marriage was just a piece of paper. And in many ways, I suppose it is. But marriage is legal, its binding, it's a big f'ing deal and it scares me with it's intensity like Clint Eastwood. You have a fight- you better figure your shit out. Because you can't just pack your shit and go. No way, Jose! And who are you supposed to be? I struggle with this little diddy FO SHO! Am I me? Am I my Husband's Wife? If that's what I am do I have to like football, get acrylic nails and pack lunches? Am I me but now married? Is it ok for him to be the breadwinner always? What do I contribute? How do I bring Jaclyn Kay Baker into Jaclyn Kay Dixon? Are these two gals the same with just a change of name and address?
I mean....do you understand why I don't sleep much?
Recently I told my Health Coach, Diva Debbie, the saga of the pink blanket and apologized for having these thoughts like I revealed to her that I'd slept with the Gardner. Like we would ever have a Gardner. She looked at me like I was dumb. Not for having these thoughts but for feeling guilty for having these thoughts. She encouraged me to seek "me time". To indulge in the things I love (pizza and big macs excluded) and be kind to myself. I thought "me time" was for Housewives and Mommys. And I don't say that to be a bitch I just feel guilty for being 25 (26 is POUNDING at the door) childless, with no career and still feeling a need for "me time"- but I do need it. I need to not forget that fun, dumb girl - my Husband LOVES her and wishes she'd stick around awhile- and incorporate her into this serious, emotional woman now and then. It's time to say 'no' to things that suck- people, attitudes, food, what HAVE you and say yes to seclusion, to "girls nights", to re-decorating my living room if it makes me happy. WHY NOT!?
Ya know....I seem to be comfortable telling everyone else that it's "OK" to not know who you are, and what you want to be yet. I think I'm going to start telling myself.
xoxJKD
Then I got married.
I got married and my beautiful bedspread was folded and put away-(by me, not by Mark)- only to be brought out in the winter when it was extraordinarily cold in our living room and we were cuddled up watching a movie. You see, a pink bedspread doesn't sing of matrimony, adulthood, and all things grown up. But it does testify to a long-gone glory days...staying out til 6am and waking up naked with a grilled cheese under your pillow (true story). And when you're a big girl you realize you have to choose between the two. So yes, I put away my pink blanket and registered for a sensible but lovely Calvin Klein Duvet- rationalizing that it was still chic because Carrie Bradshaw had the same one on Sex and the City. But now and then I miss my pink bedroom, my stack of Harper's Bazaars, and a box filled with all the magazines Adrien Brody had been on the cover of. A framed photo of the cast of Valley of the Dolls, more journals than Oprah ever had, condoms and candles and crap. I miss the frivolity and not needing to let anyone know when you'll be home because maybe you won't be. I miss being young and dumb and too pretty to know the difference between Private and Federal Loans. I miss me.
Now everyone cool your pits....The Dixons aren't having a spat, there's no trouble in paradise. All is well. But marriage is...well it's a big change. My Dad once told me marriage was just a piece of paper. And in many ways, I suppose it is. But marriage is legal, its binding, it's a big f'ing deal and it scares me with it's intensity like Clint Eastwood. You have a fight- you better figure your shit out. Because you can't just pack your shit and go. No way, Jose! And who are you supposed to be? I struggle with this little diddy FO SHO! Am I me? Am I my Husband's Wife? If that's what I am do I have to like football, get acrylic nails and pack lunches? Am I me but now married? Is it ok for him to be the breadwinner always? What do I contribute? How do I bring Jaclyn Kay Baker into Jaclyn Kay Dixon? Are these two gals the same with just a change of name and address?
I mean....do you understand why I don't sleep much?
Recently I told my Health Coach, Diva Debbie, the saga of the pink blanket and apologized for having these thoughts like I revealed to her that I'd slept with the Gardner. Like we would ever have a Gardner. She looked at me like I was dumb. Not for having these thoughts but for feeling guilty for having these thoughts. She encouraged me to seek "me time". To indulge in the things I love (pizza and big macs excluded) and be kind to myself. I thought "me time" was for Housewives and Mommys. And I don't say that to be a bitch I just feel guilty for being 25 (26 is POUNDING at the door) childless, with no career and still feeling a need for "me time"- but I do need it. I need to not forget that fun, dumb girl - my Husband LOVES her and wishes she'd stick around awhile- and incorporate her into this serious, emotional woman now and then. It's time to say 'no' to things that suck- people, attitudes, food, what HAVE you and say yes to seclusion, to "girls nights", to re-decorating my living room if it makes me happy. WHY NOT!?
Ya know....I seem to be comfortable telling everyone else that it's "OK" to not know who you are, and what you want to be yet. I think I'm going to start telling myself.
xoxJKD
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
The Christmas Tree Shoppe. OR.... Things I Don't Really Need But Will DIE Without
I am concerned, however,when I start to notice all of the piles of stuff in every nook and cranny of my home.
There is a part of me that worries that my Mother and I are going to end up in the Medford Lakes house like Big Edie and Little Edie Beale one day....she with her silver glitter Jesus piggy bank and I with my little, pink vase. Lots of cats. And enough expired WaWa French Vanilla ceamer in the fridge to choke a horse. My sister will show up offer each of us a kind word and a quick sponge bath and then leave until she gets another phone call from a concerned neighbor. But I think my "problem" is nothing compared to my Mom. Now, my Mom buys some really ridiculous crap. The groundhog from CaddyShack for $1.50 at a yardsale....it doesn't work. But it was $1.50, so you know, she had to have it. It sits on our front porch on a wicker table not dancing or singing. And not that it would make it any better if my Mom had a working CaddyShack Groundhog but at least it would be functional for terrifying my Sister on Christmas Eve or to bring out for company. My little pink vase is functional and adorable. The Groundhog...not so much.
It was my crazy Mother though, who taught me the joys of a flea market, home goods, and now...The Christmas Tree Shoppe. I bought bowls for our new dining room for 2$ a piece which you would swear were from Anthropologie- but they're NOT! We got about 8 picture frames for mayyyybe $15bux! Silverware! Coffee! It's just a magical, magical place. Granted I found myself reaching for things I clearly did not need. Soy sauce dishes.....not needed. A sherpa blanket. Not needed. Pink Flamingo Christmas lights for my Sister....I put them back but I'm not so sure those weren't needed. But you get my drift. We got in and got out with lots of great stuff for under $60bux!
So the next time you come over and are impressed with my bowls, my mermaids and my overall whimsical, flawless style. Remember....you can get it too. On the cheap. Just check yourself before you buy the silver, glitter Jesus.
xoxJac
Friday, July 29, 2011
Under Construction
Hello Friends
'Diva's Hungry Heart' is under going a make over, a soul search, a 'Come to Jesus' moment......both the blog and the Diva will be returning with a new look. Something less, 'Debbie Downer' and more, "lets do this!". It's time to stop crying and start living.
I hope you'll get back on "the wagon" with me! Stay tuned!
Jac
'Diva's Hungry Heart' is under going a make over, a soul search, a 'Come to Jesus' moment......both the blog and the Diva will be returning with a new look. Something less, 'Debbie Downer' and more, "lets do this!". It's time to stop crying and start living.
I hope you'll get back on "the wagon" with me! Stay tuned!
Jac
Thursday, July 21, 2011
giving up
Test. Test. Is this thing on? Is anyone out there? If you are, do you hate me? Good, we have something in common.
Lets go over the facts, shall we?
lbs gained back: 7
Months I have gone without the slightest use of my personal training sessions: 2
Nervous Breakdowns: 2
Times I've Suggested the world would be better off without me: too numerous to count
This shit is hard, ya'll. I know I started this blog supposedly to document this journey, this struggle, in hopes that it would help me to succeed. But a few days of not writing for fear of sharing what the truth was/is turned into a few weeks and then a month. The truth is that not long before we left for our honeymoon I stopped working out and started eating whatever the hell I wanted again. I didn't know why....I STILL don't know why...I mean wouldn't the weeks leading up to one's Honeymoon be when you hunker down on your diet and exercise regime? I suppose for a sane, healthy person. But I enabled myself by saying that Mark knew what I looked like and was going to love me anyway, AND even pick up the pizza I ordered for me. I thought, "well we're going to eat nothing but shit when we get there so its ok to start now" and before I knew it I was leaving for my Honeymoon in Jamaica with all of the weight I had worked so hard to lose piled back on plus a few extra pounds for added shame and self loathing. I was uncomfortable in my own skin the entire time. Pouring into bikinis that had fit rather nicely just a month before and covering my belly at the pool with a towel. As predicted, my Husband told me how beautiful I was every chance he could. I know! That JERK! But his unyielding love just made me feel worse....because I am CRAY CRAY.
The weeks leading up to the Honeymoon also made it quite clear to me that I am trying to "fix" and sort through problems that just might be out of my league. I am sad, worried, and plagued with fear and panic most days. And 85% of the time I couldn't even tell you why and it makes me sick. Emotionally and physically sick. So combine that with a very strict diet to prep for an upcoming show and you got yourself a recipe for some Sylvia Plath-like antics. I mean, who wouldn't want to spend their Summer like that!?!?
Not long after we arrived home from our Honeymoon my Tracy Anderson (demon health nazi muppet) 30 Day Method Book w/ DVD arrived in the mail and as I do with most diet books and dvds, I anticipated opening it and 30lbs magically falling off of my body onto the floor. That didn't happen. But I vowed to begin her program the following Monday which I did. For the most part I have done rather well. While I generally eat very little, I find that I am not physically hungry that much- I just crave the crap I miss.
I've been eating so clean and strict lately that your average "healthy" foods...oatmeal, eggs, granola, avocado etc.- seem like huge indulgences to me and I am driving myself to drink (literally) over the guilt I feel when they cross my mind let alone enter my mouth. My boss, whom I adore makes a guacamole so delicious that angels must kiss the avocados and weep as she mixes the ingredients. I ate 3 bites Tuesday which then prompted me to announce to Mark that I was having "whatever I wanted" for dinner. When I eat anything other than the TA approved foods I feel extremely full and sick but I ate an entire platter of linguine with clam sauce while emotionally checking out and surrendering my soul to "Flipping Out" for an hour. I had hoped that this 'cheat meal' would be enough to give me a taste of what I missed and allow me to carry on stronger and more committed the next morning. It didn't. What it did do was make it "ok" for me to inhale ramen noodles last night with a heavy heart and a defeated sigh of "oh well". WTF!?! WHO DOES THIS!?!?!
Today I woke up crampy and puffy from salt and fat- I could barely turn my wedding ring. I ate something I knew I shouldn't and set back my weight-loss and I didn't get anything from it. I felt guilty and bloated, not happy or satiated. I can't expect that given my history with over eating or eating the wrong foods that I assumed I'd feel much different. So, why? I am going to go to the gym tonight and I'm going to force myself to grovel to my trainer and start sessions again. I hope he's not too mean.
There is genuinely a part of me that wishes I could be fat and happy but I can't. The question, I guess, is how badly to I want to be fit and healthy? Debbie always says, "do you want a flat stomach or a cheeseburger?"....I would REALLY love a flat stomach but it is so much easier to eat a cheeseburger. Carrie says, "extraordinary effort gets extraordinary results". Why do I always feel too tired for all of it?
JAC
Lets go over the facts, shall we?
lbs gained back: 7
Months I have gone without the slightest use of my personal training sessions: 2
Nervous Breakdowns: 2
Times I've Suggested the world would be better off without me: too numerous to count
This shit is hard, ya'll. I know I started this blog supposedly to document this journey, this struggle, in hopes that it would help me to succeed. But a few days of not writing for fear of sharing what the truth was/is turned into a few weeks and then a month. The truth is that not long before we left for our honeymoon I stopped working out and started eating whatever the hell I wanted again. I didn't know why....I STILL don't know why...I mean wouldn't the weeks leading up to one's Honeymoon be when you hunker down on your diet and exercise regime? I suppose for a sane, healthy person. But I enabled myself by saying that Mark knew what I looked like and was going to love me anyway, AND even pick up the pizza I ordered for me. I thought, "well we're going to eat nothing but shit when we get there so its ok to start now" and before I knew it I was leaving for my Honeymoon in Jamaica with all of the weight I had worked so hard to lose piled back on plus a few extra pounds for added shame and self loathing. I was uncomfortable in my own skin the entire time. Pouring into bikinis that had fit rather nicely just a month before and covering my belly at the pool with a towel. As predicted, my Husband told me how beautiful I was every chance he could. I know! That JERK! But his unyielding love just made me feel worse....because I am CRAY CRAY.
The weeks leading up to the Honeymoon also made it quite clear to me that I am trying to "fix" and sort through problems that just might be out of my league. I am sad, worried, and plagued with fear and panic most days. And 85% of the time I couldn't even tell you why and it makes me sick. Emotionally and physically sick. So combine that with a very strict diet to prep for an upcoming show and you got yourself a recipe for some Sylvia Plath-like antics. I mean, who wouldn't want to spend their Summer like that!?!?
Not long after we arrived home from our Honeymoon my Tracy Anderson (demon health nazi muppet) 30 Day Method Book w/ DVD arrived in the mail and as I do with most diet books and dvds, I anticipated opening it and 30lbs magically falling off of my body onto the floor. That didn't happen. But I vowed to begin her program the following Monday which I did. For the most part I have done rather well. While I generally eat very little, I find that I am not physically hungry that much- I just crave the crap I miss.
I've been eating so clean and strict lately that your average "healthy" foods...oatmeal, eggs, granola, avocado etc.- seem like huge indulgences to me and I am driving myself to drink (literally) over the guilt I feel when they cross my mind let alone enter my mouth. My boss, whom I adore makes a guacamole so delicious that angels must kiss the avocados and weep as she mixes the ingredients. I ate 3 bites Tuesday which then prompted me to announce to Mark that I was having "whatever I wanted" for dinner. When I eat anything other than the TA approved foods I feel extremely full and sick but I ate an entire platter of linguine with clam sauce while emotionally checking out and surrendering my soul to "Flipping Out" for an hour. I had hoped that this 'cheat meal' would be enough to give me a taste of what I missed and allow me to carry on stronger and more committed the next morning. It didn't. What it did do was make it "ok" for me to inhale ramen noodles last night with a heavy heart and a defeated sigh of "oh well". WTF!?! WHO DOES THIS!?!?!
Today I woke up crampy and puffy from salt and fat- I could barely turn my wedding ring. I ate something I knew I shouldn't and set back my weight-loss and I didn't get anything from it. I felt guilty and bloated, not happy or satiated. I can't expect that given my history with over eating or eating the wrong foods that I assumed I'd feel much different. So, why? I am going to go to the gym tonight and I'm going to force myself to grovel to my trainer and start sessions again. I hope he's not too mean.
There is genuinely a part of me that wishes I could be fat and happy but I can't. The question, I guess, is how badly to I want to be fit and healthy? Debbie always says, "do you want a flat stomach or a cheeseburger?"....I would REALLY love a flat stomach but it is so much easier to eat a cheeseburger. Carrie says, "extraordinary effort gets extraordinary results". Why do I always feel too tired for all of it?
JAC
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
OK, I Suck
Hi Friends
So. I suck. I know. I don't update. Guess what? Join me in the acknowledgment of my suckage and let us move on. I had a day to myself today. Which I've managed to waste and misuse tremendously. I also have Mondays off now and in the past 2 I've accomplished NOTHING. Not one blog, not one chapter outline, not one room remodel. NOTHING. So I am an asshole and today we're moving on. I've gained weight back, I've eaten like a Carney at a hot dog stand and I'm about done.
So I'm going to make the bed, wash my face, run the errands I need to, mail some Father's Day cards and join the human race. I'm free of the bad shit. I made changes that needed to be made. There is a sad cloud hanging over my head and being as I've rid myself of much of the drama I had around a few weeks ago- I have to assume this is a prop I need to dispose of. So I'm throwing it away and I'm going to hop back on the band wagon today. Sad songs be damned. Lets get happy.
XO
jac
So. I suck. I know. I don't update. Guess what? Join me in the acknowledgment of my suckage and let us move on. I had a day to myself today. Which I've managed to waste and misuse tremendously. I also have Mondays off now and in the past 2 I've accomplished NOTHING. Not one blog, not one chapter outline, not one room remodel. NOTHING. So I am an asshole and today we're moving on. I've gained weight back, I've eaten like a Carney at a hot dog stand and I'm about done.
So I'm going to make the bed, wash my face, run the errands I need to, mail some Father's Day cards and join the human race. I'm free of the bad shit. I made changes that needed to be made. There is a sad cloud hanging over my head and being as I've rid myself of much of the drama I had around a few weeks ago- I have to assume this is a prop I need to dispose of. So I'm throwing it away and I'm going to hop back on the band wagon today. Sad songs be damned. Lets get happy.
XO
jac
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